Tag Archives: community

Are you Rooted?

Are you rooted?  If you are a gardener, your first thought may be about plants; but I’m talking about being connected to a place.

When our children were preschoolers, my husband and I seriously considered moving  from our home to a bigger city in order to be closer to family members.  We had arrived in our city due  to employment, and the plan had been to stay for a few years before moving on.

As part of the decision-making process we listed all the things that we would like to have in a new community.  What would we miss by moving away?  How could we replace the doctor we relied upon, my hairstylist who had been part of our children’s first haircuts? Where could we find a neighbourhood park that we loved as much as the one we already had?  What about our friends and neighbours?

After creating many lists of the pros and cons of going vs. staying; we decided to stay. We could visit family, and so many things about our community were irreplaceable. We were rooted.

The Importance of Being Rooted

“To be rooted”, philosopher Simone Weil once wrote, “is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul.”  When we are rooted, we feel that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.  We have a vested interest in the health of our community.  We develop a sense of ‘hometown pride’.  We care.

When we feel attached to our community, we’re more likely to be social and volunteer. We feel a connection to our local economy and may support neigbourhood businesses by spending our money locally.  As we learn more about our community, we may support local farmers at the market or join a Community Shared Agriculture group.

A key benefit is that the system is reciprocal…when we give to our community, it gives back.  Our support systems grow, there are more local choices, and there is a sense of belonging that we experience when we walk down the street and say ‘hello’ to people that we know, or the local barrista already knows our order when we walk in the cafe.

Being Rooted in our Community is Good for Us

Research confirms that being rooted in our community is good for us.  In the July/August 2016 issue of  Psychology Today,  author Melody Warnick (in her article”Right Where You Belong“) describes a study conducted in Tokyo.  This study discovered that elderly Japanese women who felt attached to their neighbourhood were more likely to be alive five years later than were women who didn’t care about their communities.  For women who liked where they lived and also interacted with their neighbours, their chance of survival compared to more ambivalent residents increased by 6 percent.

In her book Lonely:  Learning to Live with Solitude, Emily White describes her experience with loneliness.  She cites many studies that show the connection between loneliness, loss of health and increased mortality.  However, we may be less lonely and have an already-developed support system in place when we are rooted in our community.  These support systems are there when life becomes difficult.

Rootedness In Practice

When I think about support systems, I  often remember a particular example of individuals being rooted in their community.  There was a group of widows that attended the same church.  As Sundays can be difficult for people on their own, this group of women would plan a day’s worth of activities (church and lunch, followed by a matinee or concert).  By the time each arrived home, the day was mostly over– they had connected to others and enjoyed themselves.  These women made a point of including anyone they knew who needed to take part in this group–especially new widows.  Participation ebbed and flowed, and the group continued to be there when needed.  They looked out for each other.

Being Rooted Takes Effort

Being rooted and building community are reciprocal, and takes effort.  For many years a laminated copy of this poster hung beside our door.  It was a reminder of how to grow roots.  It recommended:

  • Turn off your TV
  • Leave your house
  • Know your neighbors
  • Look up when you are walking
  • Greet people
  • Sit on your stoop
  • Plant flowers
  • Use your library
  • Play together
  • Buy from local merchants
  • Share what you have
  • Help a lost dog
  • Take children to the park
  • Garden together
  • Support neighborhood schools
  • Fix it even if you didn’t break it
  • Have potlucks
  • Honor elders
  • Pick up litter
  • Read stories aloud
  • Dance in the street
  • Talk to the mail carrier
  • Listen to the birds
  • Put up a swing
  • Help carry something heavy
  • Barter for your goods
  • Start a tradition
  • Ask a question
  • Hire young people for odd jobs
  • Organize a block party
  • Bake extra and share
  • Ask for help when you need it
  • Open your shades
  • Sing together
  • Share your skills
  • Take back the night
  • Turn up the music
  • Turn down the music
  • Listen before you react to anger
  • Mediate a conflict
  • Seek to understand
  • Learn from new and uncomfortable angles
  • Know that no one is silent although many are not heard. Work to change this.

These ideas may sound like a lot of work, and the payback is tremendous–much more than is originally put in…and it’s good for us and others!

Now, for a flashback to how some of us learned about community; here’s some vintage Sesame Street.  Enjoy!

 

 

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Do You Have a Support System?

This is a re-post that was originally posted in January 2017.  Enjoy!

Once upon a time I was given the gift of seeing a real-life support system in action.  I was invited, as one of a few non-Old Order Mennonite women, to attend a quilting bee. The room was very quiet as 16 women sat around a large quilt frame—each of us focused on the task at hand.

Breaking the silence, one of the women stated that a young woman in their community had recently given birth.  Another commented that the baby was unwell.  Over the next 20 minutes, these women quietly put a circle of care in place around this family.  Meal drop-offs were planned, house support was organized, child-care for the baby’s siblings was put into place, and daily check-ins were arranged.  These women activated a support system for this family as naturally and easily as they made the small stitches they were adding to the quilt.

I’ve thought about this experience often over the years as I’ve watched others struggle when there has not been a support system in place.  Independence is seen as such a positive attribute in our culture, but at what cost?  When we strive to do everything ourselves, we not only run the risk of being overwhelmed in times of need, but deprive ourselves of the joy that comes from supporting others and building community.

We may not live in an organized community, such as the Old Order Mennonites, but we do have relationships.

Levels of Relationship

While no two relationships are identical; I believe that they can be divided into the following four levels:

Level One relationships are those we share with casual acquaintances—a clerk in a store, our bank teller, the barista at the coffee shop on the corner.  The topics of conversation tend to be about light, surface topics such as ‘the weather’.

Level Two relationships are the ones that go deeper than those in Level One, with people we see more frequently.  One example may be with a co-worker—we would tell them that we’re going on vacation and give basic details—when, where, who with—but little else.

When we spend time with our friends, we are engaging in Level Three relationships.  Confidences are shared, we may see them often, and there is a comfort and familiarity.  To continue the vacation example—we would tell them why we’re going, what our dreams are for the trip, and send them personal updates during the adventure.

Level Four relationships are the ones that are rare.  The people who are at this level, are those that we can phone at any time of the day or night because we need them—either for help or to share good news.  We know that they have our backs and will always be there for us.  This is usually a reciprocal relationship.

Building a Support System

Building a support system requires a willingness to look up from our lives and notice those around us.  It requires the courage to be vulnerable and ask for help when we need it.  It requires the willingness to share our time and resources.  Being able to trade independence for interdependence—to not only give, but also to ask for help is crucial.

All levels of relationships are needed in a support system.  Simply listening to the elderly person standing in line with you at the grocery store as he talks about his grandchildren, is a way of being part of a support system.  You’ve never met him before and you may be the only person he talks to all day.   Noticing that your co-worker is looking tired and asking what’s going on is being part of a support system.  Telling your friends that you’re feeling overwhelmed and asking for help is being part of a support system.

As we take the time to do this, our relationships deepen (go from Levels 1 to 3 or 4), our community widens and our support system grows.  You can think of support systems as a group of concentric, interlocking circles.

Start Where You Are

Early on, when I work with clients as they cope with challenges, I ask them about their support systems.  Many will respond that they don’t have one.  For some, as we tease out their relationships, they are amazed that they have more supports than they thought—especially if they are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.  For others, I’ve become their first support as we work on finding others that they can call on.

There are a multitude of groups (specific to various challenges) as well as crisis lines that can provide help and ongoing support when necessary.  A list of some helpful numbers is included in the resources section of this website.

Learning to ask for and give help is like building muscle.  The more we at it, the easier the process becomes.  Below is a TED Talk by Amanda Palmer who developed her ‘asking’ muscle in a very interesting way.  Enjoy!

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